IT WASN’T A PARTICULARLY REMARKABLE DAY when a sad and pathetic mewing could be heard from outside the house.
“Guinevere, what are you whining about this time?” Singe demanded in her own unique idiom, as she prepared to open one eye to survey the situation. Having her languid slumber disturbed, Singe yawned and stretched her front legs first, transferring the stretch to her rump then to her hind legs.
Again she heard the soft whimpering and realized it was not her reluctant subordinate. Guinevere, she noticed, was barely responsive, lost in cat-dreams of chasing spiders and feasting on freshly opened tuna fish, right next to her on the bed.
Singe yawned again, and then reprimanded the sleeping cat. “Wake up, you lazy grub- worm!” Then she gave her a not-so-gentle nip on a twitching ear.
“What’s the big idea?” Guinevere responded, now alert. “You’re supposed to be on patrol.” Singe admonished.
“I was on patrol. I do believe it is your turn, since I am so tired.”
It rapidly became apparent to the senior, more experienced house cat that “Gwen, the Rotund” would need yet another lesson in the hierarchy of the household. But that would have to wait…
“MEOW-OW-OW-OW!”
“What in the name of Rumtumtugger was that?!” Guinevere said as she sprung to her feet (and this was no easy feat) and scampered toward the mysterious noise.
“Expedite!” Singe commanded.
The pair of cats plunged down the stairs in wreck-less abandon (that is to say they did not run into anything).
The two felines made their way to the sound’s location; The Grand Portal to the Wild Savannah, (also known as the back door).
“You take point and I’ll take a position of tactical advantage.” Singe said as she climbed onto the back of the couch to look out the window.
Guinevere nudged the opening of the curtains apart and gasped in horror. “It’s a hobo!” she shouted, “a trespassing hobo!”
Singe narrowed her golden eyes to view this interloper. The sight that greeted her was alarming, indeed. A cat, hardly more that a kitten, was sniffing the door. This pitiful creature would have been black, except there were several layers of dirt and grime covering his coat. He was mere skin and bones and obviously his mission was to steal their food!
“We must alert the security staff!” announced Singe. At this command, both cats erupted in a cacophony of howling. “Intruder! Intruder!”
As if on cue, the humans (who, in addition to being the security staff, were also the galley workers, housekeeping personnel, litter box tenders, etcetera) arrived to find out the cause of all this commotion. Guinevere and Singe, proud of their counter-espionage tactics, paced anxiously around the living room, expecting the enemy to be taken care of in a swift and severe manner.
As they watched in betrayed shock, the Female Servant opened the door and scooped the muddied ragamuffin up into her arms. Then, amidst protests, she brought him into the cats’ domain. The intruding feline, by this time, was exhausted. He allowed the woman to carry his limp body without protest.
“Get him OUT-TA-HERE!” Guinevere screeched. By this time the cats were in a panicked frenzy.
“Unacceptable!” said Singe “Go for the block, Gwen!” she ordered.
The two cats then took an aggressive approach and weaved around the female human’s legs, attempting to block her entrance with the intruder. But apparently the female human did not have the cranial capacity to comprehend the sophisticated feline language, and before they knew what was happening the intruder was within the inner sanctum.
The woman cooed at the two cats still on the ground as she took the third into the bathroom. She placed his fragile body into the bathtub and began to wash him.
“My, you’re a dirty rascal aren’t you?” the woman said. “Meow,” the cat replied.
From the doorway, the two cats looked on.
“What is she saying to him, Singe?”
“How would I know? I don’t speak Human. But, this definitely does not look good.”
The woman cleansed the cat in the tub until she revealed a slick, black coat. As she lathered his thin frame, she could feel his ribs. “You must be awfully hungry, huh, boy?”
“Meow.” He said, once again.
“Where might you have come from, Sweetie?” the woman asked, “You don’t seem to have a collar. Or a steady diet for that matter.”
“Meow.”
“Well, you won’t have to worry about that here. If there’s enough for two cats, there’s enough for three. And you can stay as long as you like.”
“Maybe she’s just cleaning him up to send him on his way.” Singe said to Guinevere. “Yeah, maybe it’s charity?” Gwen agreed.
By this time the woman had completed her chore of washing the once filthy cat, placed him on the rug to towel him dry. This task finished, she left the bathroom allowing the black cat to groom himself, arranging his fur with tongue and paw.
As the woman walked down the hallway, she was oblivious to the narrowed eyes and condemning looks shot at her by the two neglected cats. Singe and Guinevere returned their-attention to the intruder.
“Um, hi ladies.” the black one said.
“We don’t like you. You must leave now.” Guinevere stomped her paw.
“I want your name, rank and serial number.” Singe demanded.
“Um, I don’t know what a rank or serial number is, but my name is Cassius.” Cassius replied.
“Okay, listen up, mister! You need to be instructed on exactly how things operate around here. Guinevere, tell him!”
“Huh? Oh yeah. Singe is in charge of this household, and I am responsible for security. And you are an intruder!” Gwen admonished.
“Um, I’m a cat.” He explained.
“We know you’re a cat, you moron. We’re all of the same species. But you don’t live here and we do.” Singe said.
“Yeah, the human brings in hobos’ all the time to wash before she kicks them back out on their ear.” ‘Guinevere lied. “So don’t get comfortable.”
At that moment the woman returned to the bathroom with an opened can of tuna fish and a saucer of milk. She placed the vittles before her rescued feline and scratched him behind the ears.
“This is asinine!!” Guinevere screeched in disbelief.
“This is absurd!!” Singe agreed.
The two cats looked at each other with their jaws slack.
”What is this woman doing?” Singe asked betrayed. -“Doesn’t she know if she feeds a bum he won”t. leave?”
“Um, thank you for the food, ma’am.” Cassius said as he began to eat.
“Unacceptable! I’m going to go tinkle in the laundry in protest.” Guinevere said as she thundered out.
“Would you like some of my food ma’am? Cassius asked the remaining cat. “This battle has not yet begun.” Singe resounded.
LATER THAT DAY, GUINEVERE AND HER commanding officer held a staff meeting in the laundry room. The intruder was not included.
“I am so worked up over this, my ear will not stop twitching.” Guinevere remarked.
“We have to think of this strategically.” Singe said. “We need a plan of action. We’ll go around the house doing the things that the humans hate. Tinkle on the laundry…”
“Check.”
“…, hacking up hair balls… “
“In their shoes.” Guinevere added.
“…, knocking object de art over, eating plants, unraveling toilet paper and the like.” “Yeah, then we’ll blame it on him.”
“Duh,” Singe said. “Then the humans will realize what a pest he is and will send him on his way.”
“And then we’ll be rid of him for good!” Guinevere said.
Satisfied with their devious plan, the cats chuckled to themselves.
Meanwhile, in the shadow at the top of the stairs, poor Cassius sat dejectedly and listened while the other cats planned his exile. All he had wanted was a family. For two days prior to his arrival on the doorstep, he had watched them from a distance. He looked through the window and saw the two cats playing, sleeping, and relaxing with their humans. They didn’t know that he was watching, but he was fascinated. The girl cats seemed so secure, warm and happy, and hardly ever hungry. That was the day he decided that he wanted a family too. He’d had enough of living on his own, not knowing where the next meal would come from, or if he’d even get a next meal. There was something to living an independent life, but it seemed unfulfilling in some way. Yes, a family is what he needed. He hoped that someday they’d need him too.